Fidelity, Infidelity, Loyalty, Luck | Torque net | Chandrama Anderson

By Chandrama Anderson

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About this blog: About this blog: I am an LMFT specializing in couples and bereavement counseling and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I am the President of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I’ve worked in high tech at Apple, Stanford University and in… (More)

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I wanted to re-share this popular and important post I wrote back in 2014.

I just read “Vow”, by Wendy Plump, in which she writes about her infidelity and that of her ex-husband; the benefits and costs it has seen.

To have a marriage of fidelity, you must show loyalty, stay away from potentially dangerous situations, continue to invest more in our marriage, keep windows and doors closed, as Mira Kirshenbaum writes in her book, When the Right People Have Affairs: In the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships. And above all, be aware that alcohol is an extremely dangerous inflammatory bomb.

As Stephen wrote on Couple’s Net, he remembers how lucky he is to be married to Nancy and, presumably, acts in her presence and absence, from that place where he knows how He is lucky.

Plump writes about the loss of passion in her marriage, about the allure of the novelty of falling in love. You can fall in love with your mate, every day. You can look at it, see it, listen to it and know it, every day. You can touch it, affirm it, and give it to it, every day. It’s a choice.

You can get lost in the daily rhythms of grocery shopping, kids, work, laundry (oh yes, and appliances). Or you can be together.

It’s tricky because the hormones and chemicals that kick in when you’re seduced are actual hormones and chemicals that run through your brain and body. They always subside. But they are addictive, just like alcohol, drugs, and other behaviors that trigger the reward system in your brain.

Mature love is different, and with loving effort and care, passionate and comforting, both.

Fidelity and loyalty occur in place of conscious competence (of the four stages of competence: unconscious incompetence, conscious incompetence, conscious competence and unconscious competence). You have to pay attention to what (and who) is around you and choose your partner – again, today.

The human brain is wired for complications and leans towards negativity. It’s up to you to slow down and bring your left frontal cortex into line so you can make informed decisions. Most people really want to be happy in marriage. Most people really don’t want to blow up their family.

Be sure to hang out with people who are friends from your marriage. It’s easy to hang out with those who will vicariously experience the thrill of an affair through you as they return home to a safe and loving home.

Keep talking with your spouse about your day, your week, your life. If you find yourself talking to someone else about things you’re not telling your mate about, or hiding who you’re talking (or drinking) with, stop now, go home, and invest more in your relationship.

Monogamy is ultimately a commitment to oneself. Loyalty and integrity are what you do when no one is watching or will know.

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